Living in the Grey

It’s been a long time since I last posted and honestly, the reason is I’ve been doubting. Doubting a lot. It’s uncomfortable and outright scary; as it will be when the core of who you are has come into question.

As Christians we can get into this habit of squashing doubts and difficult times with phrases like “you’ll come out stronger”, and “God will use it for good”. But I wonder if there is something in saying openly that it doesn’t feel ‘beautiful’ or ‘formative’ or ‘life-changing’’; quite frankly it feels shit. To be lying awake on the 10th anniversary of giving your life to Jesus and not praying thanksgiving but crying out in anger ‘Is there even a God’. Just 6 months ago I was on an Alpha course and invited two friends who came to faith - two friends I have been praying for 3 years to come to Alpha; and now I'm going back to the basics to ask all the questions they did.

I’ve done a lot of thinking in this time, thinking to try and rationalise why I don’t feel ‘it’ in this moment and try not to live on a faith of the past 10 years but one that is alive today. This Sunday was the first time I have declined a preach because I didn’t feel like I had anything to give, it wasn’t imposter syndrome or a feeling of inadequacy, because I have definitely had those, it was emptiness. A heart not filled with love for Jesus or passion for his word but a body, heart and mind all empty of what it is to live in HIS goodness.

I sat with one of our church leaders this week and had an honest and teary conversation. We discussed everything from when did the doubts start and in an argument between atheists and believers which side I would take. And after a long conversation, she said perhaps it's time to understand what it is to LIVE IN THE GREY. To live in a place where it isn’t black or white. It isn’t as simple as yes or no. This week I prayed the words “I don’t know if you’re real” - you can't get any more grey than that, to pray to a God and ask if he is real. Faith is simple yet complex. We need to own our faith yet be carried by the community. We need to have communion with God but not make it a ritual.

I am no longer reading a chapter of the bible a day and praying each hour instead I have a little pot of ideas (check out the resources section) and I try to do one but don’t beat myself up if I don’t. I'm also trusting the people around me to keep me going to Church and loving me in it all.

Living in the grey has been tough, sometimes it’s anger, sometimes it’s tears, sometimes it’s just nothing. To live in a place where we are not settled but not completely lost either; to know who to trust but not trust him either.

Right now I’m learning to live in the grey the place where I don’t ‘feel’ it, ‘know’ it or ‘ fully believe’ it but trust in those around me and the creator of heaven and earth who never changes to not be shaken by my tremors. Because I know in all of this that while I feel shaken he remains completely still.

As an afterthought…

I wonder if there’s something in not processing my thoughts that has lead to a cycle. After all I haven’t blogged or journaled in 10 months.