Do I Want To?

When asked tonight what do you find hardest about prayer my honest answer was that I have to introspectively ask myself the question “Do I want to pray?”

We should pray. We should worship. We should go to Church. And whilst 95% of the time I can’t wait to do these things the other 5% of the time it’s much more of a battle.

That’s the great thing about God though. It’s not about us and how we feel but about Him – and he never changes. When we don’t want to do it we need to do it anyway. I made a promise to love Jesus all the days of my life, he made a much bigger eternal promise, and so this is why we do it all anyway. Donna always said that Love is a choice and not an emotion.

I’m learning that in these times of obedient submission to God, my spirit is often lifted and I am encouraged more than when I wanted to pray in the first place. He sees it and he blesses our choice.

When I ask myself that question “Do I want to?” and sometimes the answer is no, the second question is “Well do you want to want to?” Do you want the answer to the first question to be yes? Now to that my answer is always a clear and resounding yes. I find I want to spend time with God but at the same time I really don’t – someone explain that.

I think for me it’s the fear of what might happen. What if I don’t like the answer to my prayer? Never pray a prayer you’re not willing to receive the answer you don’t really want from. Am I honestly able to ask God to show me my inner self? Or what about whether that friendship is truly his plan for me?

Or I think, maybe, I’m fearful of safety. What if I ask God to meet with me and a wave of the Holy Spirit comes when I’m not ready and caught off guard? Well, that’s a bit of an odd fear really since a loving God will not ever cause harm.

I can’t truly pinpoint what holds me back – I think it’s a list of things in reality. But whatever the reason for not wanting to the action has to be the consistent – to do it anyway.

Recently my housemates mum shared this quote with us and it has stuck ever since:

The journey of faith demands a certain level of bloody-mindedness of us all, not least in Prayer. - How To Pray, Pete Greig

And so my roommate has now decided that obedience isn’t the term for her – it is not the word that will kick start action in her prayer life… but bloody mindedness – that she can do.

The journey of faith demands a certain level of bloody-mindedness of us all, not least in Prayer.