I'm Confused

“I’m confused”.

Those words became a running joke in my A Level Physical Geography class. It was one of those phrases that immediately after speaking all 8 other students would imitate. At one point it felt like they were the only words I could say in that class.

But the thing is, they weren’t just words. It was a tangible feeling. An eyebrow raising, eye watering, throat tightening, sick stomach, head aching, heart raising kinda feeling.

When I’m confused it’s not that my head is choosing between two things. No. My head is trying to do Pythagoras, while reading a Shakespeare play, at the same time as watching the latest Poldark episode, meanwhile explaining the gospel to three atheists. True confusion is a crazy place. Your head physically hurts for all the things inside it.

And right now? I’m Confused.

About what? I have no idea. That’s confusion at its finest.

My mentor asks about my week? Answer: I’m confused.

My housemate asks about my youth prep? Answer: I’m Confused.

A Teacher asks about my understanding in the theology class? Answer: I’m confused.

It’s kinda laughable typing it out like this but honestly in my head it’s really not.

They say a good church is a building site.

I think since the church is made of us then I guess we’re also a building site too.

So what’s going on in the building site of Erin?

A list of things to do – each with their own definition of confusion.

I miss home but also don’t at all… confused.

We lost a dear sister in Christ… confused.

A housemate had to leave so now the dynamics are changing again… confused.

Teaching that challenges everything you’ve ever believed… confused.

A diary with clashes – what’s the priority… Confused.

Tackling the deep parts of your life you didn’t even know about – character flaws, sin, past experiences… confused.

I feel the father close but also far away… confused.

I hear his voice but not when I ‘need’ to…. Confused.

Jesus died for me. He loves me because he does. And he’ll never stop. Even with my confused state…. Confused.

Confused because you know I’m just confused.

But you know what? I don’t want it any other way.

Yes my head hurts. I feel like I don’t even know what I believe in at times.

But I KNOW these are the moments which make you. Moments where the only thing to do is go to the Lord.

Confusion leads to one thing – spending time with Him, relying on Him, falling in love with Him.

Because at the end of the day even if for the rest of our lives all we do is sit in His presence and worship Him, that’d be ok. He’d still love me. He’d still delight in me.

I LOVE what I do. I’m even learning to love a state of mind that is in constant disruption. He keeps me on my toes. When you’re on your toes you’re training for more. Training a vessel of the kingdom