Stick to the Promise

Something that not many people know is that I have a tattoo. It’s the outline of a pentagon that God gave me for my first ever preach and sits on my right ribs. The 5 sides represent: the Church, Worship, Bible, Prayer and Service; and I went to get it done with two of my best Christian friends on the day I finished my A-Levels.

The idea was this: that on the final day of compulsory education and with the rest of my life ahead of me, I wanted to commit to the 5 disciplines that aid my faith and for them to be intimate acts that aren’t on view for all to see.

Now, I know tattoos are controversial, especially among Christians, and honestly there have been times when I questioned why I did it. It was by no means a spur of the moment decision, but the fact is I often forget I have one at all, and when people see it they’re often less surprised than me.

Recently the tattoo has been a rock, a foundation if you like, a reminder of the lifelong commitment I made to the God who committed to me from the beginning of time.

This is my first blog since July, a 5-month long hiatus that in truth is a result of one long and hard 2021. My faith has been shaken and is perhaps held together more by the logic of my brain than the passion of heart.

In these past months the tattoo has been the reminder I needed to keep pressing on in the faith. That in the midst of doubt I stand by the promise I made to myself and Him 8 years ago; because my promise is nothing in comparison to the promise He made to me.

It’s been a season of questioning not whether He is real – but I have questioned whether He is worth my all.

Is He worth the loss of Sunday mornings and an evening midweek? Is He worth not engaging in the night activities so many of my peers enjoy? Is His opinion worth considering in my career choices? Is it not better to believe He is real but not let it change me or the way I live?

That has been the challenge this term and as I look to 2022 there are moments in which I know that the main driver in going to Church, even when I don’t want to; in reading my bible and praying when I think it makes no difference; in serving even when I don’t want to love the person in front of me; in worshipping when I just don’t feel anything at all; the main driver is committing to The One committed himself to me. Standing by a promise of living a life worshiping Him.

See, our promise is nothing compared to the promise of God. And so even though I don’t feel like it, I do truly believe that the 7147 promises of the Bible will never be waivered, and the promises He has made to me will one day be met. For I have seen His goodness over and over again and trust that we will see it again.

So what do we do when we just don't want to anymore? I believe seasons of doubt are just as valuable as seasons of tremendous faith, but that doesn't make them easy.

While on internship, our vicar would always talk about the Discipline of Intamacy. We were encouraged to read His book and to practise good disiplines. Including quiet times every day, weekly meals as a community and practicing the gifts we've been given. It's important to note that I do not believe that disciplines are our gateway to heaven or cause him to love us anymore (that just isn't possible); but I do understand now what our vicar meant. The disciplines formed in times of great faith have stood firm in times of doubt - I still have breakfast with God, read the bible everyday and 'do' Church. I can't explain why its worked or if it will work for you but I can say that some things just help when it comes to maintaining faith in doubt.

But undoubtedly the most beautiful thing to come from this season of doubt is not anything we do that gets us through it but the sheer grace I have seen. Even in my anger and tears I see His face continuously in the corner of my eye, gazing in love on a child He would die for.

'Be Vigilant' | All Saints' Church 10:30 Service | 29.07.18

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The Lord is my light and my salvation—

whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life—

of whom shall I be afraid?

When the wicked advance against me to devour[a] me, it is my enemies and my foes who will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident.

One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.

Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord.

Hear my voice when I call, Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, Lord, I will seek. Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Savior. Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. Teach me your way, Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.

Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, spouting malicious accusations.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

~ PSALM 27 ~