Women, Leadership and the Church: How to disagree well

The context in which we grow up shapes us. It shapes our hopes and fear, our beliefs and values. The time and place in which we were created shape our vision. I'm beginning to realise now more than ever that I was blessed to grow up where I did, in that family, that church, that town, that school… all of it. But that also doesn't mean I can accept it all as fact.

See that moment you step out of the little place you called home for 18 years and meet people from other walks of life, you realise that women as church leaders (or anywhere really) isn't a given. The vision I believe God has placed on my heart for my life isn't going to be accepted by all for various reasons, including my sex.

Since leaving Teesside, I've actually found that I've met just as many people who disagree with 'Women in Leadership' as those who openly encourage it. But it's never really bothered me. I mean, sure, there are moments in which it's outright painful, but as a whole, there's this mutual understanding of their belief and mine are just different. And so, this post isn't to say Women in Leadership is right or wrong – although let's have that conversation if you want – but more a reflection of how I've dealt with the differing attitudes I've faced when it comes to something so fundamentally me.

So… what was my context? I have one incredibly inspirational mother who reached the pinnacle of a career in the NHS and now studies and teaches management; she's somewhat of a guru on Leadership and management (which are different things!) My family are most definitely pro Women in Leadership and encourage me to vision without gender limitations. For much of my life, my mum was the prime household earner, which shapes my view of household roles too, I guess – that neither the husband nor wife has a single responsibility of raising the child or earning the paycheck.

But that is not to say that my views haven't been reshaped and challenged as I left the nice little bubble. See, growing up with a career-driven mum has its perks and downsides. I know this. Believe me, I lived it. And honestly, there has been a lot of forgiveness in our relationship for it to be where it is now – I see my mum as my greatest confidant, the most beautiful of encouragers, and the most remarkable example of Godly Leadership. My mum is the person I respect and look up to the most – my role model. But that doesn't mean that the toll of a mum in high-level management didn't hurt in childhood.

This brings me to the first point: I find it painful to hear that me being a Woman and in Leadership will detrimentally affect my children. I know how it feels. I lived it, I was the child, and while it was painful, I wouldn't change it for the world. My career choices will affect my children, as will my husbands. This argument is valid (to some extent), but its nature is a painful one and one which women in leadership positions have had to think long and hard over. To declare a mum doesn't care for her children because of their choice to be a leader is not OK.

Here is the right time to distinguish between Leadership and a career in 'leadership'. See, I could be a stay-at-home mum and be a leader – a leader of the community, a leader of my home and children. I will still be visioning and guiding the team towards that vision. And so, in this post, I'm not arguing Women in Leadership as a thing because that's not up for debate. Women are leaders. Finito. Every day we make decisions that affect other people; we empathise with them. We communicate clearly with them, talking and listening. Women and Leadership are not juxtaposed in the slightest. And here is the first distinction for any argument or debate on the issue. You don't have a problem with Women and Leadership, but Women in clear, named, outlined leadership roles (basically management).

And so, we can have this debate until we're blue in the face, but I will lead even if I disagreed with it because, to some extent, we can't avoid it.

That's where my second reflection on my experiences of differing attitudes lie: what even is Leadership?

When someone hears that I'm preparing for preaching, they might say, "so you believe in women in leadership' then". If you think Women in Leadership solely refers to preaching, then the church's teaching has made a huge error. Leadership is in leading bible studies, pastoral teams, kids' ministry teaching; it's everywhere you look. I've found the best thing to do when a discussion begins on this topic you need to quickly identify what you both mean by Leadership. And then use the right term for it. If you don't believe women can be vicars, but you believe they can be corporation CEO's that needs to be defined – these distinctions are essential.

Wherever you draw the line is OK.

Honestly. Truly. I know where I stand and where you stand doesn't upset me.

I mean, it used to. I used to think that if someone believed I couldn't be a leader, then it told God didn't love me the same as a man – that isn't true. We're BOTH made in God's image.

I'm secure in what I believe, but I also pray that if I come to the conclusion that I've gotten it wrong this whole time, then I will own up to it and change routes. Right now, I believe God has given me a gift of Leadership, teaching, and pastoral, and he wants me to use it.

But that does not mean I use it in settings of animosity. I would never expect to preach or do anything in a church that does not recognise Women in Leadership – not out of stubbornness but out of love. I would never want to put the people in the congregation in discomfort where the person preaching does not line up with their understanding of good Leadership. That would not be loving.

This understanding of values comes from learning both sides of the discussion. During my internship, I battled with it, reading the contested parts of scripture and concluding what God says. To come to a place where unity in the church is a given, not something we desire, we need to understand what everyone believes and why. I respect someone who doesn't agree with me when they have prayed and read the bible over that particular issue – they should expect me to have done the same interrogation level and not just accept it as a given either.

Because I don't want to be a girl who believes in women in Leadership just because it aligns with what I want to do or because I grew up in a church that encouraged it or because I enjoy it. I believe in Women in Leadership because I have taken the time to ask God what he thinks.

This is the hardest opposition attitude to face: when thy presume I believe because it suits me. That's not fair.

I don't want 50/50 representation in parliament because it suits me – I want 50/50 representation in parliament if each person in those seats is the best person for that job. If that is 100% men, OK, if that is 100% women, then OK. Statistically, it won't be 100% of the same sex – fact.

I want to close with this – a woman doesn't believe in women in Leadership because it suits her. It never will suit her – she will face opposition from others and herself because Leadership costs the leader. It isn't easy; it takes drive and perseverance and every ounce of energy at times, but it is also rewarding. I am secure in knowing that I am doing exactly what I was created to do. I am also confident that this will be a contested issue in every action I take and word I speak.

This isn't about what I believe or you believe but how we address the issue in front of a watching world. My God is LOVE. As a child of God, we must have these discussions in LOVE, not hate.